Bark at the Loon – Most Haunted and Halloween

I saw some of this year’s Most Haunted Live – not much different to previous years! I wrote this in the last days of my involvement with the old MH forum, and stumbling across it tonight I thought it might amuse, even though it is two years out of date now, I still stand by what I said then!

“I watched Most Haunted Live last night, and I found the experience extremely painful, excruciating actually. Now before people tell me to ‘get lost if you don’t like the show, you don’t have to watch’, I’ve actually been involved for quite a while with the whole Most Haunted scene – I worked briefly for HanrahanMedia, and ANTIX as a researcher, have appeared on the show as an “expert”, and then worked on a related contract with the LivingShop people, and have been involved in parapsychology and ghost investigation for twenty years now.  Some of the older posters on this forum will know who I am. I’m not a nay sayer – I usually am supportive, and like many of the people involved and regard some as good friends.

This time however I was really depressed by it all.  Firstly, there is this whole pentagram business. (Note: they were doing 5 nights, in 5 locations to form a huge pentagram across England) Now I’ll declare my prejudices – an ex-pagan who practiced ritual magick I’ve been a Church of England Christian for over a decade. I’ve already joked about the pentagram thing, but really, while not offended on a religious level, this is just silliness.  Inscribe an inverted pentagram all over England and pretend that something bad might happen? Wow!  Hammer House of Haunted!

Now look, let’s get this straight. The pentagram has a long history as a symbol, used by occultists, Christians, Jews, ancient cultures – drawn all over their text books by me as a kid – and in itself its a pretty star.   With two horns exalted (upside down) it’s generally these days associated with teenage pimply heavy metal occult wannabes, pagans with wonky jewelery, and Satanism.  So are Yvette and company actually advocating Satanism?  Of course they aren’t – so why indulge in this amateur dramatics black magic crap?  Are we going to have virgin sacrifices and inverted crosses next?

Now it’s ‘just entertainment’, I know that and you know that.  That’s what hurts though – Karl and Yvette were completely sincere when they started out, and for a while the show was moving towards sound research.  It was good TV.  Now it has degenerated in to cheap schlock horror occult cliches.  Worse than that, it’s become stupid. Why?

Because…

1. if you believe in this stuff, and real evil powers, and after purportedly being attacked by a demon in Edinburgh Vaults they should have every reason to, why on earth would you mess around with these things?

or

2. they don’t believe in any of it, and it’s strictly for colour, in which case why mess around with these things?

Now I don’t actually think that we are all going to be eaten by the Staypuft Marshmallow man on Halloween. If they had real style the last night would be a complete fake, misleading the viewers, a scripted drama a la Orson Welles War of the Worlds, and would apparently end with the casts messy demise and demon’s pouring out of the studio.   Be hilarious, would go down in history, and end the show with a bang not a whimper. If you wanna go entertainment, that’s got to be the way to finish your amazingly successful run of series – and MH has been amazingly successful.  I’d laugh, the regulators would slap Living’s wrists and for a while we would all be spooked and freaked – but it would be a great end to Most Haunted.

Now all this occult crap – and I’m sorry the line “David went with Karl and Stuart but they failed to use protection” still has tears running in my eyes with laughter, maybe you are all too young to recall  the safe sex ads of the 1980’s? – anyway we now have spells.  What was Yvette shouting? Malleus Decorum?  That’s what it sounded like – Hammer Behaviour? Perhaps she was invoking the spirit of MC Hammer? I’m guessing I misheard and she was shouting Malleus Maleficarium – The Hammer of the Witches, Spengler and Kramer not Kramer versus Kramer, but a 14th century I think manual. “Whatever is done for the security of the state is merciful.”  I dunno if a 17th century witch would know the implied threat though? It’s a book title guys, not a spell!

And what was this crap about witch trials often being suppressed, and covered up?  I have never heard the claim before. It seemed a bit disingenuous to not mention the lady hanged in the State Records for 1684 and referenced in the episode was in fact hanged in Exeter as well – nowhere near Lancashire. Still that I can put up with. This whole “let’s play at being black magicians” and whitter on about “dark stuff” and ‘the Goat of Mendes’ – and do any of them know the origin of that phrase? (I mean the Egyptian one not Eliphas Levi). That practice would be worth seeing on TV, and definitely be the end of the show!

Now I’ve long pointed out the dangers of inviting spirits if you actually believe in them to use your energy,etc, etc, if you can’t tell what they are. When said spirits start going on about seriously dark stuff, surely the time has come to back out?  Yet nope, they charge on, insulting, cajoling and demanding. That says to me you either don’t believe any of  it –or are just plain daft. Draw your own conclusions.

So do I think it’s dangerous? Well it’s their souls not mine. A lot of people care passionately about the team, and probably are tearing their hair out in worry. I’m fairly relaxed, but it was not pleasant viewing,and I am nervous for them. I’m figuring at the end of the day its no more “real occult” than an Ozzy Ozbourne concert – one almost expected “Bark at the Moon” to start playing – but I have another reservation.

Ten years ago there were less than fifty ghost groups in the uK. Today there are I think over 600. Most Haunted is remarkably influential. The general public had I thought moved beyond a perception of parapsychology and ghost investigation which had overtones of John Constantine, Hellblazer. I know of six people who really know the occult, and happen to be ghost investigators, and four of them post on this forum – there may be more – and two of them (I’m counting myself) are Anglicans these days.  Yet this is in no way representative of psychical research, and all this inverted pentagram silliness might be seen as bringing the whole thing in to utter disrepute.

Oh well – Most Haunted, still a great show I guess, nice people -  but dark powers, penatgrams and all this beastliness? Knock it off! It’s not big and it’s not clever. It’s Wayne’s World meets the Exorcist.

Rant over. Normal service can now be resumed.

cj x

Running Ars Magica – advice for new story guides, part one

Ars Magica 5 – Advice for new Storyguides!

I am writing this article to hopefully help new Storyguides (referees/gamemaster) in coming to terms with the roleplaying game Ars Magica, published by  Atlas Games. The whole Ars Magica community is hoping that the new edition will bring many new people into the game – it is much clearer and better presented than the 4th edition in my opinion, and makes an ideal starting point. However certain things about the game are not immediately obvious, and so hopefully these simple ideas will prove useful in coming to terms with what is a unique, challenging and very rewarding RPG experience!

Ars Magica 5th Edition - the only book you really need to run your game

About the Author

I am no authority on Ars Magica; despite having briefly played two earlier editions, I did not really come to Ars Magica until 4th edition circa 1996. It took many years for me to really get in to the game, and my first major saga, as Ars campaigns are called, did not start till 2000. I have written for the game (on The Mysteries Revised Edition and The Lion & The Lily; The Normandy Tribunal), but my understanding of the rules is significantly less than many other Ars players, though I was involved in the play testing for Ars Magica 5th edition – but so were over one hundred other folks. All my suggestions should definitely be taken with a large pinch of salt – your experience may vary distinctly, so do not take anything I write as normative, spoken with authority, or even particularly useful – every games group’s  idea of what makes a fun game is different!

I offer this advice with humility – I am aware that everything I say can be contested, and disagreed with. It is however free advice, and it has worked for me over several very enjoyable years of running the game.

The Lion and the Lily - 5th edition Tribunal Sourcebook for Normandy

Your First Problem

The first issue you will face is of course finding players. It is my contention that different RPG’s work well with different size groups – in my experience D&D/d20 works well with 5-8 players, to allow a wide spread of classes, and Pendragon can work with fairly large groups – though my game with 26 players did have a few issues!  Call of Cthulhu works best with just 2-3 players. Ars Magica is a complex game, and for a first game I would recommend no more than four players, plus yourself. With six players, a game may well become  a little unmanageable for a new referee, or slow. My honest advice is that for your first session, two to three players is plenty.

Many players have heard that Ars Magica is a game for history buffs, medievalists and those who love number crunching. This is far from the truth, and it is important that you stress it is a game of Mythic Europe, and that the game reality is therefore based upon you and the players version of history. Almost anything can and will be done; some sagas make Monty Python & The Holy Grail look like a PhD thesis on Medieval Europe, while others are painstakingly researched and ‘authentic’. Some have dragons rampaging through the countryside, merfolk haunting lonely seashores, and wise women herbalists in every village., in others players lose hours discussing the protein yiled of a medieval turnip.

The degree to which your Mythic Europe is historical and mythic will be addressed later, under the title Player Expectations – but for now, I encourage folks to use history as a tool, not let it become a chore. In one of my most successful games the Magi prevented the signing of the Magna Carta- no matter! They may well change history, so don’t worry, and the presence of an ahistorical magical technology, Hermetic Magic, may well have had profound effects on culture and society. You aim to have fun – and if fun involves rigorously accurate medievalism, go that route. If not, do not. No one will care,  as long as you have fun.

Once you have found at least one player, which is enough at pinch, or preferably two or three, get them together to chat over the game. My advice is not to invite them to the game venue – that suggests you intend to just start playing. Go to a bar, a pizza restaurant, or a friend’s house. Stress you want to chat roleplaying, not actually run a game that night. Do however take the rule book with you!

Tales of Mythic Europe - an excellent selection of scenarios for the new referee

What to Tell the Prospective Players

Well, that is down to you. I personally would explain the game was about medieval wizards, and is set around 1220 though any time from 1066 to 1300 will work just as well, or even earlier or later. Explain that the game has “the coolest magic system ever!”, and that it takes place over many years, taking in the whole of the characters lives, focussing on the exciting bits when they go on adventures rather than the day to day timescale of most rpgs. However explain that on adventures the timescale is often second to second when facing a terrible wraith, an angry werewolf or pleading for your lives at a Tribunal (a Council of Wizards).

Yet you will also account for exactly what your magi does in all his ‘downtime’ – he may be reading books to gain experience points in magic or skills, inventing or learning new spells, making magic items, brewing longevity potions, or much else! The possibilities are huge, and indeed a little daunting, but the players will have the opportunity to learn as they play. They DO NOT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND ALL THE RULES FIRST!

The Covenant, Your Home

The setting for the game is a Covenant, or a community of Wizards. They may be the only Magi present, or there may be others in the Covenant – really that is down to what kind of game they want to play.

If they are just founding a new Covenant (called a Spring Covenant), they may well be the only magi there, indeed probably will. They will all have just finished their apprenticeship as magi, and having learnt magi are trying to set up a new home. Alternatively, they can be junior members of a more powerful older covenant – they may have access to better resources, but also will have to expect to negotiate with, and perhaps serve or defer to older and (hopefully) wiser NPC magi. This is the first decision you will have to make: and while in many games it will come down to the Storyguide’s choice, I strongly suggest that in Ars Magica these should be collective decisions. Which appeals best to them? Let them talk it over, and then make a group decision…

The Covenant is like a character, one shared by all the players. By encouraging prospective players in helping define what the game will be like, you really enter in to the spirit of things…

Then ask the players if they would like to design their first Covenant, or discover or build it in play. Explain if the design it they will be following rules, which give you points to allocate, and good things and bad things to design. It makes it really their covenant. (There is an excellent book called Covenants, with many complicated options. A this stage if you own that supplement just use the additional Boons and Hooks – if you don;’t understand that concept yet, look it up in the main rules.)

If they let the Storyguide design the Covenant then it may be a ruined or abandoned place that they come to take over and reconstruct. I would advise letting the players design it, but if they are dismayed or not interested in the prospect, they don’t have to! Do tell them before they spend the points they should try and imagine what it looks and fees like, and then generate their characters. The actual Covenant will be drawn up much later… So is it a castle, a cave system, a floating ice palace, a glen in an enchanted forest, hidden in a bustling city, atop a towering mountain, or in a magical region, a sort of pocket dimension? Perhaps a village on stilts in a marsh, a ship which sails from port to port, or a burning tower of flame which is hidden from the world by powerful magics? Let the players decide, and encourage them to be creative. There must be friendly villages somewhere nearby – these are the covenfolk, who perform day to day duties and provide food. How do the Magi find food and water? Are they hidden from the world, or obvious but not known as Magi? Encourage discretion – the Order does not wish to advertise its presence overly!

The idea may well change significantly late when it comes to spending points, but a name and rough idea is useful. It gets folk interested, and in the spirit of the game.

5th edition Covenants - completely different to the second edition book of same name!

The Order of Hermes

Now comes the background. The Order of Hermes is a discreet, though not completely hidden magical Order who share a set of magical techniques devised in the 9th century by the wizard Bonisagus, especially a form of magical defence called Parma Magica which allows magi to be defended against each others spells, so allowing them to get on with one another and live in comparative harmony. Parma Magica (the name is Latin for ‘Magical Shield’) is a skill – as it gets higher, your protection gets better. Some magical powers will penetrate it, and ultimately you may well be able to cast spells on each other – but it is some protection against your cranky comrades spells!

This magical protection is unique to the Order of Hermes, and allowed them to triumph over all the lesser magicians of Mythic Europe, who are called Hedge Magicians, and generally despised as ignorant barbarians. The first characters will start with a Parma Magica score of one, affording little protection, as it was the last thing taught to them as they graduated from their 15 year magical apprenticeship. They will wish to get better quickly, to be better defended against hostile magics. Perhaps when designing the Covenant they might want to include a book in the library on the theory of Parma Magica they can all study from?

Magi & Other People

Magi are scary folk. They have something called The Gift, which is the magical nature which lets them learn magic – but that makes them frightening to normal folks and animals who can sense it. As children they may well have been persecuted for their oddness, and even today people do not like them. They get a -3 to all rolls on social interaction with non-magical folk. Therefore they tend to be secluded, and stick to their covenfolk who are used to The Gift, especially the trusted turb which is the term for a group of grogs, a grog being a guard member of the covenfolk trained in weaponry and charged with protecting the magi from mundane threats like bandits and wolves. They also have trusted friends called Consortes, or in English Companions, who often travel with them and help them deal with mundane folks like Churchmen, Innkeepers, Peasants and other riff raff. Companions may come from any social class, from Noble Knights to learned Clergy to a faerie blooded Washerwoman – but for some reason they have befriended and are trusted by the Magi. Now comes the important part – from adventure to adventure, you will play EITHER your companion or your magi – the other character will be at home at the Covenant improving their skills researching in the lab or attending to their business. SO each player has two character, but they won’t both be in play at the same time, and your companion should be friends with one of the OTHER players magi. You will also play a grog, but that is a minor supporting role – don’t worry, you don’t need to think about that yet!

Now the gift actually comes in three different degrees – the standard Gift, described above, the Blatant Gift –you are overtly magical and terrifying (-6 to mundane social rolls) or for the very blessed the Gentle Gift, where people and animals are not scared of you, as your magical nature manifests kindly or not obviously in any way. As Gentle Gift is a major virtue, it is rare – so Companions are very important.

Where are we playing?

There is now another choice for prospective players – where in Mythic Europe should you set your saga. This really comes down to personal choice, but again I would let the players have some say. Explain there are 13 Tribunals, or Regions recognised by the Order – these being

Rome – Italy & North Africa (with a third edition supplement covering it)
Rhine – Germany (with the fifth edition supplement Guardians of the Forests covering it)
Normandy – Northern France (with the fifth edition supplement The Lion and the Lily covering it)
Provence – Southern France (referenced in second edition supplement Covenants and the third edition supplement Mistridge, but no Tribunal book yet)
Iberia – Spain and Portugal (with a third edition supplement covering it)
Transylvania – the Danube Basin and North Balkans (not covered in any book published to date)
Thebes – Greece and Constantinople (not covered in any book published to date)
The Levant – the Outremer, or Holy Land (covered in the fourth edition supplement Blood and Sand)
Novgorod – modern Russia and Poland (covered in the fourth edition supplement The Dragon and the Bear)
Greater Alps – Switzerland and the Alpine area (covered in the fourth edition supplement Sanctuary of Ice)
Hibernia – Ireland (not covered in any book published to date)
Loch Leglean – Scotland (covered in the third edition supplement Lion of the North)
Stonehenge – England and Wales (covered in the fourth edition supplement Heirs to Merlin)

Guardians of the Forests - the 5th ed Rhine Tribunal Sourcebook

The excellent Ars Magica FAQ contains information on all these books. However the 5th edition has reset canon, so you are in no way bound by any of the books, unless you want to be, and arguably even Lion and the Lily and Guardians of the Forest are not canonical – you can design your own Normandy or Rhine Tribunal to taste. It’s your game! Atlas Games may well publish some new tribunal books in the future – check the forthcoming products section of their website for details.

If you have no strong feeling, I’d say Normandy, Rhine  or Stonehenge was a good choice – it’s pretty much medieval Europe as we tend to think of it. If you are willing to buy a book, Heirs to Merlin by David Chart while not 5th edition tells you a great deal about real medieval life in England and Wales, and has a chapter on the English and Welsh covenants and Hermetic culture, and is like Normandy what many of us think of when we think of ‘medieval’ things. However the Levant, Novgorod, or Thebes may feel more exotic and magical to British or American gamers – it’s your call.

HINT: Project Redcap has vast amounts of resources on other people’s saga details in which the have detailed covenants, maps etc for many tribunals. Steal shamelessly if you want to! You’ll find Project Redcap at www.redcap.org – it is an invaluable listing of Ars Magica related websites.

Once you have chosen a setting, you can discuss the possibilities for characters with your players…

Thinking about your Characters

The overall aim is to make the players excited about the game, but also to make them feel and realise they will be active participants. Once they have grown to love the system you can suggest they might want to run some adventures themselves, while you play, in the shared setting. However, in many ways it is like a traditional rpg – you will do most of the hard work to start with! Even if you do not fully know the setting or rules yet, don’t panic. The aim is to enthuse, and to remain one step ahead of the players.

The next thing they will want to do is generate characters – do not expect them yet to read all the rules though. They certainly would benefit from it – unlike say Call of Cthulhu, where the rulebook contains secrets, the ideal is that each player should each buy a copy and read it thoroughly – but that may be to much to ask at this stage. You can however point out that eventually they will want a copy of at least the core rule book each, for ease of reference. However, by the end of your pizza meet you may wish to tell them that Order is defined by its Twelve Houses, of which magi belong to one. A quick keyword intro works – something like

Bonisagus – magical research, theory and diplomacy
Tremere – hierarchy and magical duelling
Merinita – Faerie Magic
Bjornaer – Animals and Shapechanging
Flambeau – Fire & Destruction
Tytalus – Competition and Mastery
Guernicus – The Police and Lawyers
Verditius – Masters of making Magic Items
Mercere – Travel and Communications
Jerbiton – magi who interact with the Mundane world; art, beauty, scholarship
Criamon – mystics who study magical riddles
Ex Miscellanea – Exotic and unusual magi from various small magical traditions.

Societates: one of the excellent Houses of Hermes line with more detail about the Houses

(I have by the way noted that I have used plural magi throughout – my apologies. I’m not good with language. )

Now before you all scream – those are appalling misrepresentations, or crushing stereotypes – it does not matter. Once the players have expressed an interest in one, hand them the book and let them read the relevant part while you eat your by now cold pizza or quaff your warm beer. Once they have read several and selected a House they like, you can suggest they should feel free to create an unusual member of the House if they wish and challenge the stereotype, or play to it. That is down to them…

Now there are three supplements each of which provide far more information on each House. They are very useful, and you may want your players to read the relevant section once they get in to the game, and are designing their characters, but really it is optional, and you certainly don’t want to do it just now. They are Houses of Hermes: True Lineages (which covers Guernicus, Bonisagus, Tremere and Mercere ) Houses of Hermes: Mystery Cults (which covers Verditius, Merinita, Criamon and Bjornaer) and Houses of Hermes Societates (which covers Jerbiton, Ex Miscellanea, Tytalus and Flambeau). You certainly don’t need these books ot start with – you can run a whole saga off the core rules (as I have!) but they are very nice and can be picked up later when your players want to gte more involved in their Houses if you so wish. Your players may well buy the book if they enjoy your game?

The usual urge is now to give them character sheets and let them start designing. Resist it. Talk more about the game, and let them make up a little story, and maybe make some notes about their characters. I find a single side of A4 in which they let their imaginations run wild for the mage and for the companion helps – when it comes to character generation you then have a framework, and rather than being overwhelmed by options, the issue becomes fitting the stats, abilities and Virtues and Flaws to their character idea. Schedule a time to meet with each player to run through the magic rules and character generation on their own, or at best two at a time. You will thank me, and if you have already got an idea of what they want to play you will be able to advise them on useful and interesting, yet relevant, Virtues and Flaws…

With only one book, or even with several, character generation can become frustrating if too many folks need your advice at once  It is MUCH better to design characters one on one, with plenty of time.  For later magi the players will have the advantage of having read, digested and understood the rules. However the trick here is to as previously remarked enthuse the players with the idea of the game, making them share the ‘ownership’ of the saga.  In the next section I will explain what key concepts I would introduce before character generation – (spells and the magic system); but there is perhaps scope at this time or drawing up companions, and allowing the players a chance to familiarise themselves with the stats, the abilities, and the breadth of possibilities. Though I would never suggest it to an experienced player, I might even suggest virtues and flaws could be chosen later, when you generate the magi. Although some will change the numbers on the page, the alterations in math are usually straightforward to reverse engineer. However, it is really unfair and a bad choice to let the players design the magi or covenant before you have fully explained and allowed them to explore the Magic chapter…

Assisting with Character Generation

OK, first piece of advice. Read the rules yourself carefully first.  Some rpg’s are forgiving – you can do character generation with a player, reading the rules as you go. I do not find this the case for Ars Magica! Your players may not have any idea of how character generation works, but you should have a pretty good idea yourself. However before you or your players start designing Magi, it is vitally important you have read the chapters on Hermetic Magic, Spells (or at least the introduction no need o memorise every spell yet, or indeed ever!) and really Laboratory. You may also wish to familiarise yourself well with the Laboratory rules, and the rules on Aging and Warping. You should make sure you have made at least a couple of grogs, a companion and a magi or two yourself. They will come in handy as NPC’s in your later sessions after all, and trying it out will really make sure YOU understand the character generation rules. Failure to do this may well result in a miserable time as you struggle to help others!

Houses of Hermes: Mystery Cults - covers Bjornaer, Merinta, Verditius and Criamon

However, before you start trying to guide players through character generation at least you should understand the following quick checklist – work through it, looking things up…

*the techniques and forms, and what they do
*how to cast a formulaic spell
*how to cast a spontaneous spell
*quiet casting and shouting and waving etc – gestures and voice
*how to create a casting total how the dice work!, and how to work out penetration.
*the significance and importance of spell mastery, and why it is a good thing
*the idea of vis, and how important it is
*ritual spells, and when they are required
*how to work out a lab total (assume aura 3 usually for character generation I find)
*at what age aging cuts in
*what the stats do, and how to create them
* the importance of the abilities penetration, finesse, parma magica (see above), concentration, artes liberals, philosophiae, magic theory and Latin at least 3 or 4 for magi characters. Check the sections on learning from books by studying, writing books, and setting up your lab to see why some of these are important.
*understand how range/duration and target work, and how to calculate spell magnitude and thus level (once you know this you can design spells!)
*understand target bases for each form, and how to improve them.
*noted how Size effects characters both in magic that can effect them and wounds.
*understood the encumbrance rules
*be able to briefly explain the concept of Warping and Twilight if asked
* be ready to explain the Code of Hermes
*understand the pyramid points used in Arts, and the xp used in abilities and how they differ
*understand Virtues & Flaws, their effects, and most importantly the limits on how many of any given type you can take

There are a few easy to miss things in there with serious ramifications, so I hope the list is useful. It may look daunting, but it will save time in the long run.

Next up, generate two or three grogs. You can compare them with the ones on the Atlas website to see if they look about right. Keep them – they will come in handy later! You will make mistakes. Do not worry. Just keep learning. If you have questions, ask the Berklist or Atlas forum.

Next up, design three or four very different companions. Keep them, and repeat above process. By this time you should have a notepad and pen handy at all times – some neat ideas, rules précis, and useful advice will come to you as you create these characters. Later in your saga these characters will feature as NPCs – but for now they are a learning exercise!

Now make your first mage or maga (a female mage). If you have enough time I’d recommend creating one from each house, to get used to them, and because then you will have them for use in your sag as NPC’s. Some you will later age using the Older Magi rules, which will give you a chance to try out the lab rules in the privacy of your own home, so to speak. Use the Template characters at first if you like – they are there to help you. However, if your players are going to work from the ground up, so should you. This is going to take a long time, but the experience will really pay off in letting you get a hang of how the rules work. Furthermore, it really will provide you with a fantastic ready made stock of magi to people your saga.

Art & Academe - medieval science, arts, education and medicine explained

I could provide lots of (probably bad) advice on spell selection (I advise starting with the listed spells, and then modifying a few effects to see how that would change the range/duration/target and thus the level of the spell. (And then maybe later creating a few unique spells using the guidelines for later characters.) You will soon note the trade off between Abilities and Arts, and by now you well versed in Childhoods, Pre-Apprenticeship, Apprenticeship and Companion and Grog points totals. Note things like Skilled Parens – players tend to like that virtue, and how various Virtues and Flaws effect different characters. The Ars character generation system is a beautiful thing, but you will have to come to love it, and it is a difficult beast to tame. Once you have the knack you will be pleased with it though, much like the magic system!

Magi Design Ideas

There are two main design philosophies – the Generalist, with their points scattered over all Techniques and Forms, able to spontaneously make up low level spells easily in almost any circumstance, and able to cast a wide variety of simple  spells – or the Specialist, who concentrates their points in 3 or 4 or in extreme cases only two arts, such as the Flambeau who takes Creo (Creating) and Ignem (Fire) high, so they can cast dangerous fire magics from the beginning, boosting their arts with relevant virtues. Note the suggested limits in Arts for newly gauntleted magi, and make sure you put some points in secondary arts no matter how much you specialise. A positive Vim and Corpus score can often be helpful, and while techniques are used more, there only being five of them, remember that you can add the form total to Parma Magica and gain other bonuses (such as soak, which resists damage) from it.

It is my experience that when it comes to helping players with character design, you will be embarrassed by riches, or to put it another way, the players will be totally confused by the options available, as there are so many and they are so diverse. So first, introduce the stats and abilities, and generate a grog with them. They will need one, and can have fun browsing the Virtues and Flaws ( I like to photocopy them, cut them out, and hand them to players to sort through to speed things up, with a little table of how many of each type of Virtue or Flaw they must or can not take).

Now you must make sure that dice, stat plus skill versus target number (ease factor), and all this sort of thing is understood!

Next create their companions – if you followed my advice, and have had them sketch out whether a whole side or two about their character, or at least a rough outline, now you can really help, by pointing out relevant abilities, and Virtues and Flaws, and then they merely have to pick a few more which round out the character. Help them as much as you can, by advising, but not by dictating.

And once the Companion is ready, then it I time to start to their first Magi. You already know a little about what they want to play – but now you need to very quickly (!!!) explain the magic system, and show them the list spells, with an emphasis o the kind of character they wish to create. If you have got them to buy their own rule book, which in a perfect worlds they have, they may be ahead of you, and all you need do is check the maths. Unfortunately it is far more likely you are going to have to in a very simple way explain all the things on the checklist above – but while character generation is occurring, explaining the relevance of each rule and how it effects the design. This is why you must understand the rules so well- you want the player to make intelligent choices, yet not be bored rigid!

Stress the narrative options, the personality, the characters role in the Order, their history, childhood, and what they look and sound like. Don’t make players feel stupid if they struggle with the rules. If they are really floundering, step in and guide them. Explain they can make small changes once they have had a chance to properly read the book! Do not penalise the players for not having read two hundred pages of densely written rules. Instead let them read the sections on Hermetic life, the Code, and other fun stuff. A feeling for the setting and imagination are much better than a ruthlessly minimaxed powergamers character. Those who like that sort of thing will learn the rules and design it – those who don’t will just want to enjoy creating a unique and special character! Templates are an excellent way to start, but many experienced role players unwisely resist them, wanting to experience character generation in all its complex glory.

PLAN B: The Quick and Dirty Method

The above works fine, if you live in an Ideal World like me. For those who have the misfortune to exist outside the realm of Platonic Forms, (I’m the ideal of disreputable ghosthunter) here is Plan B.  (If you don’t like it, Plan C will follow). Let us assume that your players have at best only one gaming night a week if that, and like to play games, rather than spend ages on theory and designing characters. Let us assume they are working, and can afford to buy many games, which vie for their attention. Let us also assume that much as you like the idea this week, next week you will buy Advanced Weasels and Wombats, plus the Ferret Trouser supplement. You want to get a hang of the game, and see if you want to commit to it, without spending several hours in doing stuff. You are willing to read the rules, or at least the vital ones, and make a handful of characters. OK, let’s see what we can do.

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his merry men...

First, run a single session fast and dirty game. We will set it in the late twelfth century in England,, with a group of magi and maybe companions (but better all magi – players love to cast spells and it showcases the system better) travelling to visit the Covenant of Voluntas on the North Yorkshire Moors of England. There is a description of it in the Ars Magica 4th introductory story, or in Heirs to Merlin, not that it matters because the adventure is set on the journey, not when you arrive, so you will never need to detail it. This is a one off idea- the trick is to let the characters use magic to hurt some benighted mundanes and let them have a few cheap successes, while learning a bit about the game –and hopefully give them a feel for it.

Use the characters from the sample covenant on the Atlas website. Read what the virtues and flaws mean, and type the spell descriptions for each magi, or a précis and page number, on a sheet of paper you hand out with the spells. Give them a mage or companion each. Explain how to roll the dice, how formulaic spells work and sponts. Also give the players a grog each to play.

Run spontaneous magic by ear, and by what seems right. Do any calculations as they arise quickly, or make it up to keep the game moving, basing it on the rough power of similar level spells. In short, cheat…

The adventure opens as the characters travel through Sherwood Forest, near Nottingham. They are attacked by Bandits – well Outlaws really. The Outlaws you will need to generate – one Robin Hood, a Friar Tuck, Maid Marion, Will Scarlet, all four designed by you using the rules for creating companions. Create a single Grog level outlaw, and have as many unnamed outlaws as grogs by simply using those stats for each..

Let Robin and his Merry Men talk to the characters, in the spirit of robbing the rich to give to the poor. Roleplay to the hilt. Maybe there is a challenge, or some contests like drinking (carouse) a quarterstaff battle on a log over a stream, a hunt for the King’s deer, or whatever. Maybe the magi just toast Robin et al with magic. Have Robin and Marion escape death if possible, but so long as folks are having fun… Quite probably the Magi befriend the Outlaws, perhaps by creating some silver with a Creo Terram, or just by being sociable. Perhaps the Outlaws are scared by their Gift. The Outlaws are actually jolly nice chaps…

Next morning, and the characters continue on their way – to meet the dastardly Sheriff of Nottingham. He is quite a prominent chap, and interfering with mundanes is banned, but… Design a grog as a soldier, and use his stats for the Sheriffs six companions. The Sheriff is another companion. Or adapt stats from the rule book or the Atlas site. The Sheriff does his moustache twiddling villain bit, unless the Magi can tell him they wiped out Robin Hood et al, in which case he invites them back to the Castle at Nottingham for a feast in their honour, and political intrigue carousing and dangerous explanations of who they are and their purposes here (cunning lies follow no doubt!) .

Next day, or later that day, or as plot required – if the players befriended the outlaws, Maid Marion catches up on a (stolen) horse. Robin has been captured and is to be hanged in Nottingham Market in the morning. She pleads with the Magi to help her rescue him.

If they befriended the Sheriff, he asks in the morning they do him a favour – a minstrel called Blondel has pillaged the Castle, and is escaping with a cart load of gold and silver. If they can  find and kill him, the Sheriff and his lord the Regent Prince John will reward them with their choice of treasures from the wagon. However Blondel is said to have magic powers when he speaks or sings – he must be killed outright, before he can open his mouth. (In fact Blondel is collecting the ransom for Good King Richard currently languishing as a captive in the dungeons of a castle in Austria, where he has found him held captive). The theft story is a complete lie – Prince John and the Sheriff have given towards the ransom, but want King Richard to die there so John gets the throne…)

If they befriended neither the Outlaws or Sheriff, have them attacked by a pack of wolves, and then reach Voluntas. So long as there are plenty of opportunities to use magic and have fun they will be happy players.

And then, while congratulating them on how well they did, (even if in reality there were awful) start talking about your saga, and what they want there magi to be like, and revert to plan A…

NOTE: this is a very simple one off idea, which does not really showcase much of the game at all. However designing Robin Hood and friends will give you invaluable experience in how character generation works, and the game should allow for a few combats, lots of use of skills, and some magic casting. It is a rather playful take on the famous legend, just designed so you can see if the rules interest you. However, the rules of Ars Magica are NOT the fun part of the game… they are in some ways a hindrance, till you learn them. Don’t let them get in the way of having fun. I’ll stat all the characters. Also my adventure idea really sucks – it is really meant as an illustration, and is in now way typical of Ars Magica. If it was I would not play the game !

PLAN C- Chaos and Anarchy

What if my original suggestions are too time consuming, and the players hate the idea of playing pre-generated characters? Instead they all want to gather in a big huddle at your house and create their characters, then start playing because that’s how they do rpg? Well, if you have to, my emergency tips for this eventuality. I really do NOT recommend it though, ever, even with experienced players… however, if needs must…

1. Photocopy and blow up or write out on big sheets of paper the experience point scales for costs for Arts and Abilities. Make sure everyone can see it. You can get away with explaining how to create stats, but they will need this in front of them.

2. Have a handy list drawn up and prominently displayed of all Abilities in the game, and a few words explanation of what Chirurgery or Carouse actually means.

3. Write the Arts on another piece of paper, with a simple explanation of what each one means – for example CREO = create stuff, IGNEM = fire. Stick it to the wall. You don’t have to be a genius to work out then taht to cast a fireball you use Creo Ignem added together.

4. The clever bit. Make up a deck of cards, by creating suitable tables of card size in your word processor. Type the virtues and flaws, or a summary of each, on to the cards – about 4 copies of each. Colour code them by type – ie. personality Flaws = blue, Story Flaws = green, hermetic Flaws = red. Mark clearly if they are major or minor flaws or virtues. Then add another chart, showing incompatible types – so say ONLY ONE MAJOR PERSONALITY FLAW MAY BE TAKEN, ONLY ONE MAJOR HERMETIC VIRTUE, etc. Drop the cards on the table and let your players shuffle through them and read them ,and take them, and make a little pile or row, till they have chosen and can write them in their bestest handwriting on their character sheet. Invaluable if there is only one copy of the book between many players… but in future, buy more rulebooks !

5. Draw up a word processor document with two tables on it; each table is six rows deep, with the techniques listed, by eleven columns wide, for the ten forms Then once points are allocated to Arts, write in spell casting totals (tec +form +stamina) on one table, and just add aura, voice/gesture and die roll when you need to. The other table has tech +form =INT + 3 (AURA + magic Theory – this total represents the highest level spell the character can learn in that combination in character generation, and is ignored thereafter, so you can rip it off an discard it once they have finished making the characters. Save time though…

6. While one maga player is choosing her spells, have the other make grogs or companions, so they are not waiting for the book.

7. Ensure you have a ready supply of two aspirin, one dose of valium/diazepam, or a bottle of Scotch, (choose one, not all three!), and have written your Last Will and Testament and acquired a sword to fall upon in case the frustration, chaos and confusion proves too much for you as poor harassed Storyguide to bear. Alternatively, bring a deck of cards and be ready to suggest Strip Snap as alternative entertainment.

I will now leave Character Generation and Recruitment. One last word – it is often easier to convert non-roleplaying friends and relatives than find other role players if you do not already have a group, yet this possibility is often overlooked. My female friends in particular seem to enjoy Ars Magica – well some of them!

None of this is remotely official, or in any way affiliated with Atlas Games. It’s just my thoughts.  “Ars Magical” and the “Ars Magica” logo and artworks featured are trademarks of Trident, Inc. d/b/a Atlas Games.

15,000 served – if only I owned a burger chain!

Well I have finally hit the 15,000th visit to my blog, and things are picking up so fast I’m astounded. Lord Kelvin, Heroquest, Futurism and the discussion about Science and Religion make up most hits, with a few people who know me reading it for the general wittering about my dismal life, parapsychology and I suspect the odd person who is looking for something completely different and gets very disappointed on arriving here!

I have not had much time recently to post, I have been incredibly busy with  cats, friends, and psychical research. I did return briefly home to East Anglia to see my parents and have been as usual immersed in working on books, planning events and running roleplaying games – Geist, the New World of Darkness game, Ars Magica, Call of Cthulhu and  Unknown Armies if anyone is interested!

My life is changing quite fast at the moment, and despite many set backs and disappointments I feel confident that being forty is not as bad as many folks imagine. I’m actually quite happy, and desperately trying to sort out a postgrad, but as always funding still seems incredibly remote. Still I have found one possibility which excites me, and hey, I’m trying. What is clear to me is that I need money, and fast, and that I am profoundly psychologically ill suited to trying to make money — I simply don’t like charging people, I find it embarrassing, always have.  I expect one day I’ll overcome this, which might reflect a deep seated lack of confidence in my own abilities, that what I can offer is actually worth anything, but hell I’ll have to get past it if I am going to have a future. I’m just not sure where my talents if any lay, outside of working in a university.

Well as always with these updates let’s end with a quick look at the latest search terms used by those who find my blog –

“invisible woman loitering” — an all time favourite, I have no idea! Great though!
“norfolk (uk) geology” – er, boulder clay as I recall, over chalk and sandstone outcrops? The Breck, Fens and North Norfolk coast are all fascinating. But why this blog?
“demolition puts nuns on the run” – I’m speechless!
“easter fart” – looking for a South Park episode maybe?
“massage mediums” – there could be a gap in the market. Which is more reputable?

Jokes aside, I think things are going OK. Hopefully I’ll have more time to update the blog soon. Take care everyone, and thanks for reading!

cj x

A Logical Argument for Existence of God(s) or Goddess(es)

Had a bad day. today. Dave Sivier came over and we had an enjoyable discussion on increasingly bizarre plans for “better faster cheaper” space exploration – NASA’ s current strategy in case you have not heard the phrase, culminating in a discussion of ideas for building a cheap Brunel-era tech space elevator, and I read some stuff Beast brought over on the development of the mammalian brain, and got very excited about the morphology of Eocene Lemurs. The gas man failed to show, but I slowly went down with a feverish cold and feel rubbish, and not at all with it.  Therefore as I feel rough I shall attempt to offer something not too ambitious in the way of posts tonight – my old attempt at a logical proof of the existence of God seems a good start…

OK, it was a couple of years ago, and someone challenged me to prove the existence of God in one post on the Dawkins forum, and silliness ensued. May amuse…

“OK, I shall argue the existence of God from the World of Warcraft.

1. WoW (or any MMORPG) is a simulated world with it’s own programmed physics in which players take part in an immersive mutual reality. If you are not familiar with it the best documentary is South Park’s episode Make Love, not Warcraft (link contains sound and obscene humour) which is on cable most nights this week I think.

2. My proposal, based on Nick Bostrom’s famous paper http://www.simulation-argument.com/simulation.html - the Simulation Hypothesis – is that given predicted exponential growth in computing (assuming we break the supposed Silicon limit) future virtual universes may be indistinguishable from the real thing. See the work of noted theologians Rob Grant & Doug Naylor in their opus Melior Quam Vita, part of their Rutilus Dwarf series of philosophical investigations for an example. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Better_Than_Life

3. Given that our universe is said to appear to be highly “designed”, as in the infamous problem of Fine Tuning, and the collapse of our normal understandings at Quantum levels, I suggest that this may simply be the level of programming code, and that it is extremely likely that we are living in a simulated universe generated by a civilization that has surpassed our own level of advancement. As virtual universes are easier to construct than real universes, we might infer the odds of us existing in a virtual universe are far higher than those of us existing in a real universe.

4. As the response to Fine Tuning usually suggested (including by Professor Dawkins) is multiverse, let us run with this and allow an infinite (or vast as required by Fine Tuning) number of universes. The odds of those universes having produced an advanced civilization which manufactures virtual universes therefore approaches certainty, and as these numbers increase vastly so does the number of virtual universes increase (probably exponentially) as does the likelihood we live in a virtual universe. This argument was amusingly developed by cosmologist Paul Davies. SO Fine Tuning or NO Fine Tuning, the argument holds.

5. The programmer of such a universe is outside time/space, super-natural, can change physical laws at whim, created and can destroy the simulation, and can of course “incarnate” by entering the simulation. Furthermore they can provide virtual afterlife, or switch players from previous simulations, giving reincarnation type effects. In effect with regard to their creation (including us) they are a God. This idea fits perfectly with the model of reality proposed by certain atheistic forms of early Buddhism, or more recently by William James in Human Immortality. If you must you can mention The Matrix, a film I have never actually seen, because my friends try to lynch me whenever it comes on.

6. Therefore the existence of God(s) is at near certainty! If Christianity’s claim that we are made in the image of God is to be considered, then these deities might be rather worrying though.

Feel free to critique my logic — somehow I doubt anyone is going to convert! As you may have gathered, I’m not entirely serious, though actually it is rationally coherent and entirely as far as I can work out logical. I welcome any serious critique, because though I have not, you can seriously argue this! Is it not a rational proof of the existence of Gods? “

This led to much discussion – but despite the bad humour and tone, I was being serious. I’m not convinced, but once you start to think in these terms it’s much easier to understand  how real theology works and why the whole God hypothesis is not as ridiculous as people seem to assume.  If you are interested in the cosmology underlying this look for the works of Lord Martin Rees, President of the Royal Society – especially Just Six Numbers – and Professor Paul Davies excellent The Goldilocks Enigma which I had not read at time of writing but which covers all the arguments for Fine Tuning of the universe wonderfully, as well as  giving you a whistle stop tour of modern astrophysics. However one night a few weeks ago I was up at 4am or something, and caught What We Still Don’t Know, a documentary series presented by Lord Rees. It was superb – and one episode in particular struck an incredible resonance with me, and might well amuse anyone who has read my argument. Have a look at it, because the exposition of the ideas I’m playing with is a thousand times more beautifully presented here, by people who know what they are talking about.  If I have time tomorrow I’ll talk through the critiques of Cosmological Fine Tuning briefly, and discuss why “I still believe in God, even if He no longer believes in me” to slightly misquote Wayne Hussey  Here is the episode on YouTube (contains sound and flashing images) – but really, do take the time to watch this…

What We Still Don’t Know -final episode, Lord Rees

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylxRBESxAlM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1FFs4g9Y10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1Beve83wmY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9-RSyuw_9E

I’m off back to bed to rest. Night all.

cj x

Stopping smoking again

I’m stopping smoking again. This will make me a bit out of it for the next few days, but I doubt I will murder anyone who does not richly deserve it much; I might kill a few innocent bystanders but I will stop short of desecrating their graves, burning down their houses, eating their relatives and singing comic songs on the ruins unless they really annoy me, you know by wearing a loud shirt in a built up area or possession of an offensive wife or similar. (yes I watched Not the Nine o Clock News too much!)

OK, stopping smoking usually makes me a bit depressive/anxious/unpredictable/suicidal/tense/angsty.   Housemates often take sudden unplanned holidays when I mention I have stopped smoking, and a few friends do leave town immediately and hide out at relations or in the woods.  Yet really I give up fairly quietly, and without fuss, and the only thing that stopping smoking is guaranteed to do is to make me is immensely fat, so I end up looking like a happy pig who has been genetically modified with beachball DNA, before being greased in butter and blown up with one of the air pumps they use to inflate airships. Last time I stopped I put on two stone in a few weeks, making CJ resemble this   -

CJ naked after giving up smoking - well a close resemblance to how I will look in three weeks time.

I never bother with the pills/potions/patches approach to stopping smoking – I could not afford to if I wanted to – I just stop. This usually works quite well for me for a good six months of any given year, then something happens and I start again. I have no real problem conquering the addiction (apart from the usual mood swings/self destructive/homicidal impulses and starting screaming for no reason while smashing everything in sight, but aren’t most people like that first thing in the morning?) but then something happens and I get really upset and I start smoking again. At the moment my life is so utterly depressing and stressful it may just be the wrong time to stop, but I really don’t want to buy cigarettes, and can’t afford to if I wanted to anyway, so I guess I’ll just whinge and put up with it.

Worst of all I’m getting my sense of smell back. And I really don’t appreciate that!

Feel the fear and do it anyway – CJ tries a Roller coaster

This summer I had a rather unnerving experience, and for some reason I never got round to sharing it on my blog. I refer of course to my  adventures with Becky, this time in Alton Towers. No not that sort of adventures! This is a respectable blog, and Becky is a respectable kind of gal!Anyway it might amuse the very bored amongst you.

Our friend Yvette managed to get some free tickets to Alton Towers, but was unable to get time off work, so she offered them to Becky and Becky in turn asked me, so I caught a train to the Frozen North and escaping the sweltering heat of Cheltenham set off for the more clement climes of Derby. OK, so both trains I was on conked out, and th air conditioning failed,  so I arrived in Derby hours late, with a rip in the side of my trousers, (notice a recurring theme here?), smelling like a dead dog, and rather tired and stressed.

Becky picked me up form the station, and then she bought me a white t shirt so I would not bake – yes, CJ in white – I know! That’s the end of my goth street cred. Armed with trainers, new socks and an appropriate t shirt I was all set for Alton Towers. I got to meet Dale, Becky’s brother, a great bloke, and to worry Becky by wandering round her parent’s house, which was fun. Oh and she darned my trousers. Becky is sweet!

Anyway, we went to Alton Towers, and boy was she to get her revenge for making her darn my trouser. CJ has never really been one for rides – anything faster than a push bike tends to make me anxious. I get nervous in cars and trains, and am rather scared of heights. Apart from one rather extreme experiment many years ago with a wurlitzer, I have never been on any big fairground ride. Dodgems are my limit. So Becky decided I should.

We qued for a short ride, which I thought looked ok. It was called Oblivion - the name should have given me a hint. We queued the best part of an hour, and when I actually saw the track my legs turned to jelly and I was barely able to not run out the other side! To be honest, if Becky had taken another second putting her handbag in the box thing and returning to her seat I would have fled. If I had realized what was ahead I would have definitely run.

Oblivion is a VERTICAL coaster – it flips you face down, and you fall straight down, vertically, in to a hole in the ground. Here, have a look – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-EA0l9JUsc (contains sound).  The video does not begin to show how terrifying it actually is.

Amazingly despite being terrified of heights I managed not to scream. I got off the ride, and was more concerned with the pain in the center of my chest. Maybe this was a muscle strain from the 4G you experience as you plunge from the fall in to the tunnel, or maybe it was my heart complaining – I’m still not sure. I hyperventilated a bit, smoked two cigarettes in quick succession and when Becky asked did I enjoy it could only say”I think so, I’m still alive”. That was how I enjoyed it – I came through the other side in one piece.

Actually my chest just started hurting again just thinking about it, so maybe a strong anxiety reaction, or it really did give me problems! Becky incidentally, seemed to really enjoy it. Next up was AIR, so I led us across the park in what fortunately turned out to be the right direction. (I had mentally memorized the park layout from the top of that terrifying ride while waiting to plummet to my doom!)

I took her by what I thought was the shortest route – straight through a long stretch of parkland and woodland. On the way I started to tell her about strawberry gothic, chinoisserie and 18th century changes in notion of the landscape (I have an MA in it after all), but before I could get on to Repton and Brown I noticed a) she was staring vacantly in to space with that look she normally reserves for me talking about politics and b)was sneezing horribly.  Becky suffers really badly from hayfever and I had led her on a forced march through the gardens that made her horribly unwell. I still feel bad about that. Well, fairly bad – after she tried to kill me by taking me on Oblivion not too bad.

At AIR I took the precaution of watching the ride, and realised I would probably die if I went on it. Here’s a video — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Mxo5Fi1gYI (Youtube, contains sound)

It was the hottest day of the year, the queue was an hour, and frankly confessing my cowardice Becky decided I could be forgiven and despite really wanting to go on AIR herself  she let me off. Instead we did something I’m better at – we ate burgers.

And then it was off to queue another hour for a sort of rapids rafting ride. It was lovely to splash around in water, the element I am most comfortable with, but even so it seemed rather tame. Still it was a nice sedate boat ride, and I did enjoy it. Then I saw what appeared to be a tiny, rather tame roller coaster – Runaway Train - and it really was not very high or frightening looking. I thought it was a kid’s ride, but as I had still not been on a roller coaster I said I’d try it. What a mistake! You go round twice – now I was expecting a gentle fairly slow run, oh no – runaway train is what the name suggests, and I was convinced I would be hurled to my death and the chest pain was troubling me again (and once more as I write this and recall it) I really thought I might die, even though I KNEW the ride was safe – I thought I might just expire from terror.

I swore in ways that would have made Yvette Fielding blush. Yes, really. And those of you who know me know I never normally swear – but my words were deeply disturbing. Becky seemed rather amused by my utter terror. Second time round the track and I was almost beginning to enjoy it, but then it stopped and I went and took a phone call from Richard Felix, who had called me. By the time I had finished talking to him I was no longer in agony, just shaking and terrified.

Stopping only for donuts – why does this woman who never stops eating not weigh more than me? — it’s just not fair — we went on to the log flume. Again it took about an hour to queue – we spent most of the day in queues, while I bored Becky by wittering on – but this one was worth every minute. We got to sit in the front of a bathtub, and go round the track. I LOVED it! I adore boats,and water, though I am a terrible swimmer – well more of a terrible drowner, my father is a superb swimmer but I am not. Still I adore water.

Becky sat in front and shielded me from the worst of it, and when I got scared I just hung on to her. So excited was I she generously agreed to queue up all over again, cos I wanted to do it again! Second time round however something was up. I have since heard from Tom that rides like this have a car called a “drencher”, where you get fantastically wet. We got the drencher. From the very first splash we were soaked to the skin, and the searing heat had finally gone as it was late afternoon, so it was actually a bit chilly! I just could not help laughing at Becky, who was getting absolutely soaked, even though the water came straight over her head and splashed me full in the face, till my shirt and trousers were saturated – and Becky looked like she had been plunged head first in to a lake several times. She stopped to pour water out of her trainers, and some people in the queue applauded as about a pint poured out taking a couple of minutes, I had no idea how much water they could absorb!

I took a photo of Becky soaked to the skin, looking dreadful, but sadly I deleted it cos if I had shown anyone or posted it here she would have KILLED me. And not in a nice Oblivion sort of way either! It was 5.30, and tragically we had to leave without going on Air. Becky was just too wet, and I don’t think my jovial “let’s get you home and out of those wet knickers” helped much. When she got off the monorail for the car park she left a big puddle,and I laughed, but when she asked why I just said it was because we had such a great time. She modestly removed her jeans behind a blanket from her car, and drove home with her blanket skirt on – practical as always! Amusingly she did ask me if it was legal to drive in a blanket. It was an amazing day out, and while Becky will doubtless stop speaking to me for month when she reads this, we had a truly fantastic time. Many thanks to Yvette for the tickets, and to Becky for taking me and showing me that I am not really a big wuss – I’m a colossal wuss!

cj x

Insomnia, Indecent Exposure & A Bad Reception

Let us start at the beginning – whatever the faults of such a strategy, there is tradition upon its side…

Once upon a time there was a boy called Christian Jensen Romer, and he almost deserved it. It was late on Wednesday night, and he was terribly excited. A book he much admired (despite reservations given Gray Barker who was heavily involved known propensity for hoaxing), The Mothman Prophecies by John Keel, had been made in to a movie. Christian was very excited; three times that day he had been reminded of the book, which in some ways is the closest thing he has ever read to his own rather bizarre ideas on ‘the paranormal’.  He was now thinking of buying the DVD, but whilst flipping through channels on TV, he found that BBC 1 was screening it at 10.45pm!

Oh joyous day! Calous, Calay! He galumphed down to his basement chortling, and posted a Facebook posting tipping people off, and settled down to watch the film. Lisa was in the house, asleep upstairs with the cats, and I watched alone. Every someone commented on my Facebook status, and I replied via my mobile, texting a comment reply.

And then it all got very weird. Suddenly a whole string of random numbers appeared on his status as a comment supposedly from him, and he pondered on what was happening. A cat on the keyboard? Stephen Atty’s suggestion was reasonable, but no cat and how did it hot the post button? That would require a mouse. It happened twice more. As far as I can make out my Facebook account is un-hacked – it’s hard to imagine any change to my details that would be funnier than the truth anyway. A long discussion develops between Parasoc Bruce and Stephen, with myself making passing comments – the film sadly bears almost no resemblance to the book, and I had by this time lost interest. I was talking to Becky about how disappointed i was by text message.Everyone agreed it must be something to do with my phone…

And it was. When Becky Smith goes quiet one knows the world has ended or the phone is not working. Furthermore this morning I was due to see Postman Ben, the man with the bleakest attitude I have ever encountered, someone who makes Marvin the Android look like an exponent of the power of positive thinking. He had asked me over for breakfast today, but when he failed to text or call to confirm I suspected something must be wrong…

The insomnia did not become apparent until 3am. Try as I could, I could not sleep. I have a few tiny revisions left to make on a manuscript I’m working on, and email to reply to, and an event I’m organising to finish arrangements for. Somehow, I could not concentrate. I was too tired to work, too awake to sleep. I watched TV till 6am – still no calls, no texts.  At 7am I decided I may as well just give up on sleep and try to work – and I then wake at half ten, confused to find I still had no calls, and no texts. What was going on? Clearly my phone reception had failed? A few ‘phone calls to Becky confirmed all calls to me where going straight to answerphone. Oh well, I was already late for my breakfast time discussion of misery with Postman Ben, so I threw some clothes on, and in that state of mild anxiety being left incommunicado usually provokes in me  hurried to catch the college bus.

I’m not sure exactly when my trousers gave up the ghost…

Now of course anyone who knows me knows that “builders bum” is a curse I inherited from my father, a very talented and clever man who for many years had a small firm of builders. I assume it’s genetic – why else would my arse so steadfastly refuse to remain properly ensconced in fabric. It is something of a joke among my friends, and a source of constant horror and shame to my girlfriends, that my trousers sometimes slip a bit, revealing not the whole of the moon but more than is generally considered fashionable if you are not an 18 year old girl prowling a nightclub like a wolf on the pull. (I like that actually – “The Assyrians came down like a wolf on the pull”). Anyhows…

SO I enjoyed my breakfast with Ben, who seemed in someways positively chirpy – misery is still his favourite word, and when I asked why he was off work he assured me it was through anal warts contracted cottaging – the truth was a chest infection, but it gives you a good idea of his general demeanour and personality. I stepped outside his house, directly opposite the uni campus, to make a call – no reception in there even if my phone was working, and I noticed a white van driver who came in giving me really funny looks. Sure I’m unshaven and scruffy – but this seemed rather direct even for that. Then I realised. My jeans had torn from almost waist to knee, and were flapping open, revealing my underwear, buttocks, and shapely legs. Now I’m not Kylie Minogue I admit – I don’t think my arse is that horrific though. Sadly the world disagrees with me.

So I panicked, ran back in, showed Ben who fell about laughing – his misery lifted as my acute embarrassment and discomfort became obvious – and in the best traditions of tabloid journalism I made my excuses and left. Now Ben’s flat is directly opposite the Park Campus, which seems to be filled with plump identikit 18 years olds with the same peroxide blonde hairdo.  I’m sure they are all lovely, and have very distinct personalities, but they are far too young and impressionable to be faced with my bare buttock – and here I was facing the Hiroshima of trouser malfunctions. Luckily I was wearing my coat…

So hurrying off my bus home, which happens to be the Uni campus bus as well, I wrapped my coat round my waist as a sort of makeshift skirt. Now I’m unshaven, unkempt and feeling rough – and after I asked some students where the bus stop was these days, I am horrified to notice there reaction. Yes I look like a stereotypical flasher! At any moment people probably assumed I was going to throw open my caot/skirt, revealing my shortcomings to the world… Luckily in a few seconds a bus arrived, and clutching desperately at my coat I jumped on, showed my ticket and sat down. Students were now joined by a young mother with children who eyed me warily, and a host of little old ladies all of whom appeared to be looking at me oddly and giggling. Still, the bus stops just a minutes walk from home – almost safe!

Except…

I had caught the number 10, which dropped me straight in the middle of town, a town it seemed populated entirely by pretty female office workers enjoying their lunch who looked at my strange shambling figure desperately clutching a coat around me with obvious suspicion. I made it down a couple of streets, and then thought “I know! I’ll call someone on my mobile, and seem to be  normal and unconcerened!” So I phoned Becky, who seemed thoroughly unimpressed as I had phoned her not long before. So I remembered Lisa was on lunch-break, and called her, but she was having a bad day, 15 minutes late for lunch and in a foul mood – I ended that call just as quickly.

I have rarely been so relieved to pass through the arch in to Normal Terrace. I bumped in to Chris as I came in, and I think she is still recovering from laughing at me after I showed her why I was holding my coat like that.

Oh well, at least my other phone works now I have transferred the sim. I have had better days though.

cj x

The Myth of the Common Cold

I have a slight cold today; meanwhile poor Becky who should basking in the Balearic’s has a horrendous one. Of course her holiday is marred by constant rain anyway — but even so, sounds like she is pretty miserable. All around me people are catching dreadful colds, as the t -shirts of summer give way to the pullovers of autumnal England. The weather turns cold, and in the word of Bowie “you’ll sneeze and catch a  cold; cos you left your coat behind”, sentiments echoed by folk wisdom for centuries. Dress up warm in the cold, or you’ll catch cold. Yet intelligent sceptics know this is all rot – the common cold is caused by a virus, and nothing to do with weather. It’s all been debunked for years. But has it really? Or is this actually a myth?

Actually, I think it isa myth. I did a quick  search on evidence based medicine and statistical research, and found this

http://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S0954611108003429

So colds are associated with colder weather.

We need to think it through though – correlation is not necessarily evidence of causation (though it very often is!)

So–

1. The cold virus is likely to be dormant or less active in winter at sub-zero temperatures?
2. Yet people still get colds in winter, and cold weather does appear at the anecdotal level to be related to the common cold.

So why?

Well, what if we are constantly exposed to cold viruses in the environment? Then we might expect that given equal exposure, we would all be ill equally across the seasonal weather and temperature changes throughout the year.

Except: our immune systems might vary? We might be equally exposed, but more susceptible if the immune system was depressed. So could cold weather somehow depress our immune systems?

Cold virus from http://viraldiseases.wikispaces.com/

So does immune resistance vary with body temperature? Makes no sense, as our internal body temperature remains relatively static, and homeostasis is designed to allow an organism to adapt to prevailing conditions? However, what if variation in exposure to external temperature conditions leads to physiological shifts in the immune system? If so, going from a war environment to a very cold one or vice versa MIGHT actually depress our immune system resistance, even for only a few minutes — allowing a window for the cold virus to take effect in the host.  So it’s not the cold that causes us to catch colds, but sudden changes in temperature.

Logically then in an English winter going from a hot room to a freezing cold night could lead to an increase in cold infections by temporary immune system suppression, and as the virus despite the cold conditions that are less than optimum for replication is still present in the environment, colds increase. It would be exposure to rapidly varying temperatures rather than the cold itself which would lead to the illness.

An obvious objection: then we would expect to see more of all viruses in times when people pass from very warm environments so to very cold ones — but we may well do so, it is just that the highly infectious and environmentally prevalent common cold would appear more than say measles, allowing for the folk belief to arise from actual observations.

Of course this is probably rot — I know nothing worth knowing bout the subject, just speculating.  But if there was some actual enzyme or other change associated with the nose and eyes that might cause brief immune suppression during rapid temperature change as the body adjusts, that might well be the way that the common cold normally enters the body, and that might be worth investigating?

Anyway hope Becky is recovering and enjoying her holiday, and best wishes to everyone else cursed with a cold this week!

cj x

Unpopular but necessary? A Defence of “Most Haunted”

Right, I’m going to defend the TV show Most Haunted. I have a lot less reason to support it than most people, but I have also a little more knowledge of some of the individuals involved perhaps.

Most Haunted started with a great idea, but one which was fundamentally flawed. A live TV ghost hunt? (well pre-recorded in the case of the series, but effectively reality TV) Awesome! Yet there is a major problem with this groovy concept- spooks do not appear on demand and perform, if they even exist. In the early series we saw show after show when very little happened. It was going to pall eventually.

So the “soap opera” aspect developed – we cared because we cared about the team, and knew them, and could relate to their very human responses to the situations they found themselves in.  Good locations, great stories,lots of interest – not many spooks though!

Still it was fun. I was briefly employed doing some research and finding locations, and I was pretty convinced Karl & Yvette were serious, and interested investigators.  I also saw first hand the technical limitations of the  MHL environment.

Then they brought out a book and I read it. I’m an experienced ghost investigator, and much of it was very sound actually – if they actually followed the advice therein then we would have a better paranormal investigation, though possibly a terrible TV show?

So what went wrong?  Well the falling out with Derek, the clear signs of some fraud, the resulting paranoia among the team, and then the OFCOM or whatever it is called these days decision that Most Haunted was not a serious investigation but clearly a light entertainment programme…

Once that decision was made, the gloves came off. There was no reason now NOT to just play for entertainment, and I guess for hundreds of thousands of people who ar not remotely interested in the often technical and difficult concepts of psychical research, hey it’s still entertaining.

Yet the decision to shift to a full blown entertainment format was not the teams – it was dictated by that OFCOM decision, and the demands of ratings and realities of television.  We have all seen how fragile media celebrity is, and the difficulty to keep ahead of the “build em up : knock em down” thing.

What I’d personally love to see is Yvette and Karl managing to get back in ot other non-paranormal programming, and having really successful and lucrative careers in other formats. they deserve it, and I don’t think this show brought them the fortune they deserved – and hey, they sacked me – well I assume i was sacked, one day I was working for them, the next day I phoned up and found myself talking to my replacement -  so I have no reason to be nice, but I’m very honest. They DO deserve more.

I don’t think it’s Most Haunted Live in the dock, but TV, and our culture. We want instant gratification, action movies, violence, sex and Blair Witch, not documentaries on Ganzfeld ESP experiments or detailed shows on Robertson & Roy’s fascinating research on mediumship. Almost no one cares – and almost no one wants to really think through these issues. I think some people are actually frightened to seriously consider this stuff.  What we as a society want is  stories about tragic ghosts, sexy history and lots of ACTION! And that is precisely what we get, because TV is led by ratings, for perfectly sane commercial reasons. No audience, no adverts, no revenue.

The minority interested in “serious” paranormal stuff will read books about it or watch those dull old Discovery shows from the 90’s (that I of course like and was involved with) – but our culture wants entertainment, and excitement. And that’s what you get, because ratings mean everything in commercial TV.

Don’t blame Most Haunted for its perceived shortcomings- they had no choice if they wanted to keep on TV – instead look to yourselves.  TV is what it is because that is what we, the British public want? Our criticisms of how dreadful TV is are criticisms of our own society, and our own culture.  We should not blame anyone but ourselves.

cj x

The Cats of Normal Terrace: mourning Ziggy

Nowadays my blog is filled with me talking about ghosts and stuff, and it’s probably easy for people to forget that I have a life outside of work, psychical research and religion.  This post is about the street where I live, Normal Terrace, and the most important residents – the rulers in fact of our lane, the cats.

This morning my neighbour Chris called to tell me the sad but not unexpected news that Ziggy, aged 17, a lovely black and white puss had finally died.  He had been ill for months, and in sharp decline the last few days, but so often had he recovered from the point where all seemed lost  that his passing still came as a shock to me. In some senses I think it was a relief to us all – poor old boy, none of us wanted him to suffer, but the death of a beloved member of the community always hits home.

Ziggy lived seventeen happy years, with his sister Zag and the elegant Suki. Chris loves them all so much, and serves their imperious demands with a devotion many a cat owner will understand.  I know we don’t have favourites, but in a sense Ziggy was her favourite.

My acquaintance with Ziggy began when I moved in to the street, maybe four years ago now. He and Zag were not the friendliest of cats – unlike  the white lady who basks at the bottom of the street, or the beautiful but highly strung black fluffball Tina owns, Zig and Zag always kept thre distance. Attempts to pet them were rebuffed — and my cats never achieved more than a nodding relationship with those two. I really thought they were unfriendly, aloof little kitties, but I was always pleased to see them basking in the sun outside Chris’ house.

Then came that terrible day 18 months ago, when after a frantic struggle to save him, and a trip to Swindon it still hurts to think of, we lost Lisa’s beloved cat Marmalade. Some of you know the vents that followed, and how we have another fluffball now called Marmalade, but we will pass over that – the important thing is that among all the condolences, and the incredibly kind efforts of David Curtin who drove us on that last terrible journey, and brought us back in tears, the support from Tina, Lynn and all our friends in the street – well that was the day I cam to know Ziggy.

I was sitting on my doorstep, crying my eyes out. I rarely cry; I had not cried since 1992 until that day, but the dashing of our hopes just when we thought we had saved him had left me distraught. The sight of a grown man crying on his doorstep is not one many people care for, and I was therefore surprised when I felt a nudge. It was Ziggy – he came, climbed on to my lap, and nuzzled my nose. For the first time, and I had sat in the doorstep many times before while he regarded me warily, he had approached me, and now he purred and rubbed himself against me. I don[t know if he understood I was distressed or not, but I do recall the comfort he brought me. There were other cats, and always would be - Marmalade had gone, but all over the world new kittens were being born, who would live, play, hunt and wail as kitties everywhere do.

Ziggy and I became friends from that day onwards. I came to regard him as a good friend, and as Chris was unwell and I came to pop round more and more, for our little trips to the shops or afternoon chats, I came to befriend Zag and Suki as well, and when they were ill, I took them to the vets for Chris when they needed attention.  Stephen Crickmore of Albion Lodge (by the Tesco on the edge of forever) is a wonderful, compassionate and highly skilled vet - and he always did Ziggy proud. Chris nursed him, with special diets, endless love and affection, and cared fro him as i cared for my beloved Crowley who left me on a dark December morning last year. I know the sting of loss - but also I know that there is comfort in friends, in the happy memories, and in the moggies who remain and make their demands of us. Zig will be yowling for his supper in a better place now, but it's hard to imagine a better home than that Chris gave him - his Paradise must look alot like that little house in Normal Terrace!

One day in February I was convinced our journey together, Ziggy and I. would be our last. I walked to Stephen with heavy heart - I did not so much lift Ziggy in to the box as pour him in to it, and he had not eaten for days. I was trembling as I walked down the road, and yet as I approached I heard a loud indignant yowl and the old boy sprang up, and started purring. Stephen gave him some shots, and he was able to live another happy six months. Yet Stephen knew his days were numbered, and we all knew one day he would move on, leaving us to go play with the other kitties who have gone before.

Ziggy and Chris

That day has finally come, and I recieved the call from Chris this morning. I cried — I’m sad and sentimental at the moment anyway– but I have a happy thought. Yesterday the sun beat down on Normal Terrace, and Ziggy went outside, walked over to the fence, up and down a bit, and then lay down on his favourite spot. Last night he sat on Chirs’ lap till minutes before the end when he leapt down, lay down in front of the fire where he often basked, and went to sleep one last time.

Tonight we are taking him to Gareth’s to bury him, and pay our last respects. I’m hoping to be strong for Chris’ sake: I know how good it was to have Kevin Sides there for me when Crowley died, and am still thankful to Malcolm for his help that day. So I’m crying, but not for Ziggy – I’m crying for us — for Zag and Suki, for Chris, and for all of his friends he las left behind – but I’m not crying for Ziggy. He lived a wonderful life, and died content and peacefully at a great age, surrounded by those who love him.

I just hope, when the times comes, we can all manage to be as lucky as Ziggy.  Till we meet again Ziggy, love

cj  xx