by Every Science Staff Reporter Everywhere
Astonishing new results that may suggest that the Standard Model, Common Sense and Randi’s Law have all been violated have been reported from the Gloucestershire basement lab of Dr Jerome Jeromesen (East Cheams Diploma Mill) in his latest zener card trials with Wiccan High Priestess & well known celebrity psychic Tanya Fluffyjugs.
In a set of 25 card guesses Miss Fluffyjugs, attractive mother of six, 27, was able to guess the right symbol an astonishing seven times instead of the five suggested by chance. If this was repeated one hundred more times, and the data holds up to scrutiny, then it may approach the one sigma level of probability, which scientists assure us means they can perform simple arithmetic involving Standard Deviations.
Dr Jerome assures us that he was just running out of funding for his project involving getting attractive young women wrecked on Blue Nun and then making them play Strip Zener when the breakthrough occurred, and while the preceding forty trials had only resulted in his being slapped around the face thirty nine times, and a police investigation, it does seem like that Miss Fluffyjugs has given us a fascinating new insight in to the New Physics.
“It seems we are all connected by a telepathic super sense” said Dr Jerome, who has postulated a new particle, the wouon (pronounced “woo – on”) to explain his amazing results. “While these are early days, I am confident that by Christmas 2012 we will all spend all day in bed doing our work by psychokinesis and social networks like Facebook will be replaced by Super-ESP networks which will allow us to telepathically rifle each others underwear drawers and order pizza without leaving the room.”
“Of course these are early days, and my £85 billion pound National Lottery Grant application is still pending, but I hope to be able to finance much more work with modelling agencies, strip joints and top psi labs around the world to allow us to reach the crucial one sigma level of verifcation needed before we get too excited. Technically, these results could still be down to chance” he stated as he adjusted his mirror shades.
“Still we are sure we can rule out sensory leakage in the and guessing experiments and most forms of experimental error, as I never touched the wine at all!” Star Psychic Miss Fluffyjugs was unavailable for comment as she was nursing a hangover, but noted psi- researcher Donnis Debacle did state that these results were “intriguing” and say that he was hoping to conduct further work personally with the lady in question. The LHC declined to comment, saying that they had several equally promising options that may rewrite physics. 🙂
NEXT: How unlicensed psychic experiments might destroy Christmas…
EDIT: Just an amused reaction to the constant hype of scientific research in press a moment!