It’s been a bad week for CJ. I won’t bore anyone with the details, but a sudden depression following my getting heat stroke last Sunday has clouded over my life; the weather itself seems to have cooled and turned inclement in sympathy. I have been fighting it, but I’m tired, a little confused, and rather dizzy from the tablets my GP gave me. In short, all is not good. Focusing to type is increasingly difficult, and I’m run down, fairly broke and not exactly cheerful. As such I have not been blogging much.
It’s always interesting to stop and reflect how did I end up where I am today. I think everyone understands that I am vaguely academic – I did rather a long time at university, but I never got my doctorate, and that is the root cause of my depression today. I worked out earlier that f fees do not increase I may be able to afford it by the time I am seventy — and it puzzles me when people do not see why this, and my subsequent enforced removal from the thing I love, academia and lecturing, depresses the hell out of me. Yes I spent too long at the university – but there was a reason – a university is really the only place I feel I belong, and academia the one thing I truly excel at. Sure I can work in other jobs, but as I think Ben Devlin would confirm, even then I stray off in to academia – I’m probably useless.
All my girlfriends have done well for themselves – and oddly, I think that makes it a little easier. I have always lived somewhat vicariously, trying to help others achieve their dreams, do the best they can. Today I just feel low, and like maybe one day it will be my turn. Perhaps I’m not clever enough to do a PhD, and while when I was young I did have occasional funding offers – I always turned them down to stay in Cheltenham with my friends or girlfriend – they have dried up in recent years.
This August I’m forty. For almost fifteen years my academic career has been on hold, and I have been in limbo. Maybe I need to do something about it soon – I’m not going to get ten grand from anywhere for a PhD, but I need to either move on, stop entirely, or find a new dream. Still, I think I’d have been a great academic. 🙂 Pity I never really got to find out.